More practical advice from my mom: My mom used to tell me things and I thought, “What does she know?” That was when I thought I knew everything. Wow. Payback is a bitch. I now have a ten-year old who thinks “what does she know” — about me! And she is only ten. I, at least, waited until I was…16 or so.
My mom told me a lot of things that I must now admit, were true. She told me to be unique and different when I wanted to fit in. She told me that the mean girls were jealous. She taught me that often they sensed my sensitivity and would torture me more. She told me not to trust people. I thought all of this was utter nonsense and that the “no-trusting thing” was her way of handling or hiding from the world after living through the holocaust. Little did I know I would be telling my daughter so many of those things years later and seeing her stare at me blankly and go back and trust the same girls who were mean to her the day before.
It’s much harder to be a parent then I ever thought. From time to time one of the gems my mother taught me pop into my head and will have to make my way here to my blog. One of these is the question of whether it is better to be right or to be in a happy relationship. You know the answer to this I hope. Unless you want to argue with me about it.
Another one of these is when my other told me to cut out a bad relationship and I said “How mom, I love him?” and she said, “Karenoia, if you had cancer in your arm and I told you it was killing you, would you stop loving that arm? NO. But you would cut it right out. Cut out the cancer.”
My last little tidbit from mom for today is a really juicy one. She once pulled me aside quite recently, and said, “I have to talk to you” in her little Russian accent. I was quite concerned it was something grave. I sat down awaiting the worst. She then said,” Listen, I want to tell you: have sex with your husband. A lot”. I was mortified. “Mom, please.” Anything to change the subject. As my ten-year old says: “AWKWARD”. I mean, please know blog readers, there was absolutely no basis for her to think there was any issue to the contrary. I am the gal who is the original cougar and all with the very hot younger hubby. But she said,” No listen to me. It is very, very important. Whether you feel like it or not. Just do it.”
This was fascinating – despite being horrifying – as this is the same very old-fashioned mom who advised me never to have sex with anyone, AT ALL, unless, of course ,they had already put a ring on my finger. Which while I am on it is also great advice in retrospect – even though I already know no one under 30 will agree. Once you are single after a certain age you can see how sex is different for men and for women. So much so, that I am currently writing a whole screenplay on that subject. Or trying to. Why buy the cow and all that…sorry ladies. I know you want to believe in the sexual revolution but if you want a serious relationship – do NOT give it up. Easily.
I am here to say – this “have-sex –with- your- husband – advice” is perhaps the best piece of advice my mom gave me. And I am giving to you here as this little gift ladies. It sounds better and more refined in a Russian accent of course. But, go ahead, and you try it – no amount of therapy, counseling, whatever you want to do will work wonders on any marriage as that three-letter word. S.E.X. And guess what – the more the better.
Here is a great link to an article and research that backs up my argument:
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/09/05/health/webmd/main4421065.shtml
and the book:
Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown and 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.
And all those things you want from your husband…to listen to you…to blah blah whatever – these things can also be yours too if you give that three-letter word a try. Try it and let me know if your marriage isn’t better. And you therapists kind enough to read my pedestrian suggestion here – prove to me that this doesn’t work wonders and soothe many a tough situation. Listen, chemicals are released. It’s proven. oxytocin and bonding. Look it up.
Amongst many articles out there here are two links….
http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/love-science.html
http://www.reuniting.info/science/sex_in_the_brain
And now for my advice to men: try to compliment your wives every day at least five times using your five senses: 1. “You smell…” (Examples laid out for the challenged) (e.g. “delicious”). 2. “You look…” (e.g. “So hot in that dress”, “in your new hairstyle”) 3. “I love listening to the story about….” (e.g. “The kids and the way they loved the lunch you packed”)(Even if it is vomit poop or other mommy related bodily fluids – just try it and lie a little) 4. “You feel…”(e.g. “so silky soft”) 5. “You taste…”(you can fill this one in)
If you are interested in making these quality compliments, Cosmopolitan for Men has even written an article outlining the compliments they suggest you give:
http://www.cosmopolitan.com/advice/for-guys/708969
A great book on this subject — http://www.amazon.com/Kosher-Sex-Recipe-Passion-Intimacy/dp/0385494661, written by a Rabbi but useful in any marriage (non-religious based view on having great sexual marriage)
Men: ATTENTION; HOW TO GET A LOT OF SEX; Foreplay is not what you think it is – it starts at 8 a.m. and begins with these sentences above. Try it and let me know if you end up getting what it is you all want. “Just do it”.
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